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Warning!!! This post can trigger, but instead of taking this negatively, I hope I am able to inspire and enlighten a lot of people who are also in this very difficult situation.

Three years ago, I have been into my darkest time. I can say it’s the hardest situation I have encountered. I was lost. And with lost, I meant everything. I lost my control. I found myself in a situation where I’m broken, shattered and nearly losing my grip. I can say I almost lost my sanity and I can hardly recognize myself.

“I no longer see my worth and purpose.”

I looked myself in the mirror and felt stranger to my own self. Yes it’s the most difficult thing to admit. And as I see my reflection, I see open wounds. Wounds that are not healing but become excruciating as it lingers down to my very core. It’s going deeper and implying this pain is too much to handle. I have to end this, and by ending means taking my own life.

At that time, taking my own life is the easiest escape. It’s the most appropriate to my state of mind. I associate freedom with death. I see it as the solution for all my struggles.

I am a strong, independent woman. I used to call myself that. Or maybe I’m just oozing with too much confidence that the universe decided to challenged me. Unexpectedly, I reached the point of my life when everything around me is not what I wanted. I felt never ending pain. I felt betrayed. Sadness and emptiness completely drowned me. I told myself I can no longer make it. I am weak. I am hopeless. I am worthless. I am not loved. I am giving up. I felt so unsatisfied of my life. I think of cheating my way out and the easiest is death, so I could get a revenge to God. I felt I am being played around.

I went to an unplanned travel one day. I found myself in a village with no other intention but to keep my mind busy. Until I saw something hanged in the wall. It completely blown me away. I saw more than just what I should be able to. I remembered just standing in that wall for a couple of minutes. I’m so shocked. For the first time, I began to saw things differently in my perspective. More than just the toys or stuffs hanged in there, it taught me that I am not alone suffering. That this illness though may not be curable directly with a doctor’s prescription, is something I can battle and win.

I realized no matter what color, gender, status and age you are, if depression hits you, it hits you. It is not something I am proud to share about my life. But listen, if a simple and ordinary girl like me did it, you can do it too.

Cheers to a tougher you not just in 2020 but for the next coming years!

P.S.

I will be sharing next about “Recommitment to Self”.

Hi! How are you doing?

I know it is going to be hard convincing yourself that everything is going to be okay, when almost everything around you seemed a failure. But I want you to hold on there, even if you are barely gripping. Never mind your wounded hands or broken nails. KEEP HOLDING ON!

You might feel like everything is not happening according to your well, but always remember to trust God. Trust the process. You will end getting what you ask for, you will always get what you deserve in the end.

All your hardships and struggles are going to pass by. You might be overwhelmed now and feeling hopeless, but bear in mind that if you really wanted something, you need to work hard for it. What you wanted to be or to achieved is already there, it is already set for you. You just need to align your desires and dreams with your HARD WORK and PATIENCE. Match your dreams with your perseverance and determination.

“You cannot ask for an A, when you studied for B. “

Never mind the hundred or thousand failures you have encountered. Failures and mistakes are recipes in your incoming success. Learn always from your mistakes and see what you can do to improve it. Do not be afraid to risk, because it takes a really brave heart for you to do things you aren’t sure of. You are already a winner.

“You cannot expect different result doing the same thing.”

Never lose faith. It is the greatest weapon whenever you are discouraged. There is no such thing as game over. It is only over when you decided to end it up to yourself. You can do it. You can, and you will. Never ever compare your chapter 1 to somebody else chapter 5. We are all bound to something great, God is only preparing you on your right time.

“You decide now, one day or day one?”

“There are days when almost everything around us seemed too much to handle. It could be your career or job and personal matters colliding. “

When this happened to you, it is chaos. You will have the hardest time in your life, deciding what to prioritize. What should come first and what comes last. It is the most difficult part, because you might feel guilty of what your decision will be and how will it affect.

Listen, I know it’s hard. There will be times when you seemed lost of what to do next. And then you end up stagnant, indecisive and unsure. It is normal. Others may not be able to take it and just explode. But my advice to you is….BREATH.

Give yourself time to breath. Give yourself a break. Sleep. Eat your comfort food or watch a new movie. Don’t cram yourself because a work with no rightful thinking and planning will only end up as a failure. Learn to unclog and remove unnecessary thoughts. Sometimes it’s the too much negativeness that is hindering us to think properly. Once you’re done doing this you will feel lighter.

Now list down what you wanted to do and achieve. Yes you read it right. Listing down will make you remember your biggest WHY. You will be renewed and committed to do it again, this time you can think with lesser worries.

You can do it. You will survive this.

Life is a series of ups and downs. It is designed to have it’s low and high points. It is up to us on how to handle it.

Some may handle it well. But mostly a lot don’t know how. Depression is not about the pretty or happy faces you see. Some learned how to put on a smile outside to avoid being judged.

You will be amazed what you can hide with a smile.