Warning!!! This post can trigger, but instead of taking this negatively, I hope I am able to inspire and enlighten a lot of people who are also in this very difficult situation.
Three years ago, I have been into my darkest time. I can say it’s the hardest situation I have encountered. I was lost. And with lost, I meant everything. I lost my control. I found myself in a situation where I’m broken, shattered and nearly losing my grip. I can say I almost lost my sanity and I can hardly recognize myself.
“I no longer see my worth and purpose.”
I looked myself in the mirror and felt stranger to my own self. Yes it’s the most difficult thing to admit. And as I see my reflection, I see open wounds. Wounds that are not healing but become excruciating as it lingers down to my very core. It’s going deeper and implying this pain is too much to handle. I have to end this, and by ending means taking my own life.
At that time, taking my own life is the easiest escape. It’s the most appropriate to my state of mind. I associate freedom with death. I see it as the solution for all my struggles.
I am a strong, independent woman. I used to call myself that. Or maybe I’m just oozing with too much confidence that the universe decided to challenged me. Unexpectedly, I reached the point of my life when everything around me is not what I wanted. I felt never ending pain. I felt betrayed. Sadness and emptiness completely drowned me. I told myself I can no longer make it. I am weak. I am hopeless. I am worthless. I am not loved. I am giving up. I felt so unsatisfied of my life. I think of cheating my way out and the easiest is death, so I could get a revenge to God. I felt I am being played around.
I went to an unplanned travel one day. I found myself in a village with no other intention but to keep my mind busy. Until I saw something hanged in the wall. It completely blown me away. I saw more than just what I should be able to. I remembered just standing in that wall for a couple of minutes. I’m so shocked. For the first time, I began to saw things differently in my perspective. More than just the toys or stuffs hanged in there, it taught me that I am not alone suffering. That this illness though may not be curable directly with a doctor’s prescription, is something I can battle and win.
I realized no matter what color, gender, status and age you are, if depression hits you, it hits you. It is not something I am proud to share about my life. But listen, if a simple and ordinary girl like me did it, you can do it too.
Cheers to a tougher you not just in 2020 but for the next coming years!
I will be sharing next about “Recommitment to Self”.